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The Shoulder
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Almost 6 months out and I feel like I'm falling apart all over again

I don't really know where to start. The accident was back in the spring and for a while I thought I was actually making progress. My shoulder and neck were finally loosening up, I was sleeping better, and I genuinely felt like I could see the end of the tunnel.

Then this past week happened and I don't know what flipped, but it all crashed back down.

I got a PTSD diagnosis about two months after the crash — my therapist said it made sense given how violent the impact was. I'd been doing EMDR and it seemed to be working. But the last few days I keep getting these flashes of the moment of impact. Like my brain just randomly queues it up. I'll be washing dishes or sitting in a parking lot and suddenly I'm back in that car.

I've been irritable in a way that scares me. I snapped at my sister last night over something completely stupid. I can't even merge on the highway without my heart rate going through the roof. I feel like I'm exhausting the people around me.

I also have to be honest about something darker — a thought crossed my mind yesterday that scared me. It passed, but it was there. I caught it and I'm talking about it here because I think I need to say it out loud somewhere.

I'm still in therapy. I have an appointment Thursday. I just feel so done — done with the pain, done with the legal process dragging on, done with not feeling like myself. Has anyone else hit a wall like this so far in? Does it actually get better or does it just get quieter?

If you're in crisis, please reach or text 988. Seriously.

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