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The Shoulder
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Months post-accident and somehow feel WORSE than I did in week one??

I don't fully understand what's happening to my own body and mind right now and it's genuinely freaking me out.

When I first got home from the hospital I was running on adrenaline or something, because I felt almost optimistic. Like, okay, this is hard but I can see the path forward. Now, three months in, that feeling is completely gone and I feel like I'm falling apart in slow motion.

The sleep thing is wrecking me. I'll be exhausted, finally crash around midnight, then bolt awake at 3am with my heart absolutely hammering. Not even a nightmare I can point to — just pure dread sitting on my chest. It's happening almost every night now. It wasn't happening at all in those first weeks.

Physically, the shoulder they repaired is starting to ache in this deep, grinding way that it didn't before. My PT says that's sometimes normal as you push into harder exercises, but it doesn't feel normal. It feels like something is wrong that we're missing.

And the car thing. I used to love driving. Long highway stretches, windows down — that was my decompression. Now even riding shotgun on a quick grocery run has me white-knuckling the door handle every time someone merges near us. I flinch at brake lights two blocks ahead. My sister drives like a grandmother and I still can't relax.

I know healing isn't linear. I've been told that approximately nine thousand times. But nobody warned me it could feel this much like going backwards. Has anyone else hit a wall like this months out? Did it actually get better or did you just learn to live with it?

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