Survived a crash where someone didn't make it — the thoughts just won't quit

I went through something similar about two years ago — wasn't exactly the same situation but someone was seriously hurt in my crash and didn't recover well. That loop you're describing, the random playback, that was my life for months. What helped me most before therapy really got going was honestly just naming it out loud. Like literally saying 'there's the loop again' instead of trying to fight it. Sounds dumb but it gave me a tiny bit of distance from it. Hang in there. It does get quieter.

What you're describing sounds a lot like intrusive thoughts, which are super common after traumatic events — your nervous system is basically stuck in a processing loop. It doesn't mean something is 'wrong' with you, it means something intense happened. The fact that you're already lined up with a trauma-informed therapist is genuinely the right move. In the meantime, some people find grounding techniques helpful when the loop starts — like focusing hard on physical sensations in the present moment (cold glass in your hand, feet on the floor). Not a cure, just a way to interrupt the replay sometimes.

I just want to say — the fact that you're talking about this at all takes guts. Don't minimize what you went through just because your physical injuries healed. You were in a fatal crash. That's enormous. Be kind to yourself while you're working through it.

You scheduled the therapy appointment AND you're reaching out to people. That's two things you didn't have to do but did anyway. I know it doesn't feel like much but honestly those two moves are what start turning things around. The sleep stuff and the driving anxiety usually respond really well to trauma-focused therapy once you get into the rhythm of it.

Real talk — the guilt you feel even when it wasn't your fault is one of the most common things people don't expect after a crash. Survivor's guilt has no interest in logic. It doesn't care who ran the light. A good therapist will have seen this a hundred times, so don't waste energy being embarrassed about it in your session. Just dump all of it on them, that's what they're there for.

Not legal advice, but I'll just mention — if you haven't already, keep a brief daily journal of how you're feeling, the sleep issues, the driving anxiety, any days you had to miss work or cut things short because of mental state. Emotional distress and psychological impact are real parts of a personal injury claim and they're a lot easier to document when you're tracking them in real time rather than trying to reconstruct later. Doesn't have to be long, just honest notes.

Just a heads up — if you're still dealing with the insurance side of things, be careful what you say to adjusters about your mental and emotional state. They will use 'I'm doing okay' or 'I'm mostly recovered' to lowball or close your claim faster than you'd expect. You don't have to lie, just don't volunteer more than you need to.

How far out is your therapy intake? I ask because 'scheduled' and 'actually being seen' can sometimes be weeks or months apart depending on availability. If there's a significant wait, it might be worth asking if there's a cancellation list or looking into whether your area has any trauma support groups that meet in person or online in the meantime. Waiting alone with this stuff is rough.