Survivor's guilt is eating me alive after losing my best friend in a crash. How do you cope?
I don't even know where to start. Three weeks ago I was in the passenger seat when a driver ran a red light at full speed and slammed into us. My best friend — we'd been inseparable since middle school — was behind the wheel. She didn't make it.
I walked away with a broken collarbone, some bruised ribs, and a gash on my forehead that needed stitches. That's it. I've been staring at the ceiling every night since asking why. Why her and not me? Why did where we were sitting matter so much?
I keep replaying it. The sound. The way everything went sideways in less than a second. I remember reaching for her arm right before impact and then just... nothing until I heard someone outside the car yelling for help.
Now I'm going to her memorial next weekend and I don't know how to face her family. Her little brother keeps texting me asking questions I can't answer. My own family keeps saying things like "you're so lucky" and I want to scream.
On top of all of this, I still have to deal with insurance calls, a totaled car, and medical bills piling up — and honestly that all feels so gross to even think about when she's gone.
Has anyone here been through something like this? How do you handle the guilt? How do you even start to grieve when you're also supposed to be "handling things"? I feel completely broken and I don't know what normal looks like anymore.