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The Shoulder
spry-marmot-654

Two accidents in three years destroyed everything I was rebuilding. I don't know how to keep going.

I don't even know how to start this. I'll just say it.

About three years ago I finally felt like I was getting my footing back. I'd gone through a really ugly separation, moved into a small place I could actually afford, and was slowly getting back to a job I loved in a trade that requires physical stamina. Things weren't perfect but I was moving.

Then a driver blew a red light and hit my driver's side door. I did the PT, dealt with the insurance circus, managed to keep working reduced hours. Figured I'd gotten lucky, all things considered.

Eighteen months after that, I got hit again. Rear-ended on the highway at speed while I was basically stopped in traffic.

That second one broke something — not just physically. My lower back and neck are a mess. I have nerve damage down both arms. My hands shake now. I drop things constantly. I can't grip a tool, can't lift a bag of groceries, can't sleep more than two hours without waking up in agony. Getting dressed takes 45 minutes. Bathing myself is a whole production. Driving is out of the question.

I haven't been able to work in almost a year. I've burned through everything I saved. I'm behind on rent, my credit is wrecked, and the one person I thought I could lean on made it clear they're not available for this.

I feel like I'm disappearing. I'm angry all the time and also just... hollow. Some nights I lay here and think I genuinely cannot picture doing this for another decade.

Has anyone else just felt like the accidents didn't just hurt you — they erased you? How did you keep going? I'm not sure I know how anymore.

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