My whole family was hit by a reckless driver. I wasn't in the car and I can't cope.
I don't even know how to start this. About two months ago my parents, my aunt, and my teenage sister were all in the same vehicle heading to a family reunion a few states away. I was supposed to go with them but I had to stay back last minute for a work emergency. So I'm sitting at home and I get one of those automated crash-detection alerts from my sister's phone. Then another one from my mom's.
I've never moved so fast in my life. My partner and I jumped in the car and drove through the night. By the time we got to the hospital they were scattered across different floors — some in the ICU, some in trauma. The driver who hit them had run a red light at a completely reckless speed. Nobody was racing them. They were just... in the wrong place.
Everyone survived, which I know is the "good" outcome. My dad is still in PT, my sister had a head injury that's affected her memory, and my aunt is dealing with chronic pain from a spinal compression. They're all fighting hard.
But I'm falling apart in a different way. I wasn't even in the accident and I can't sleep. I replay that drive to the hospital constantly. I hover over my family like I'm afraid they'll disappear if I look away. I feel guilty for not being with them AND guilty for being relieved I wasn't.
Has anyone else been on the outside of an accident like this? How do you even process something like this when you're not the one with the physical injuries? Is there a name for what I'm going through? I feel like I don't have the right to struggle because they're the ones who were actually hurt.